A Constant War

Song of the Day: Fuckin’ Perfect by Pink

0943 31 March 2013

Have you ever listened to the song “Fuckin’ Perfect” by Pink? It’s actually a pretty good song that I can relate to. It’s just so me, you know? It goes on to say that you’re perfect no matter what you think. Because of my unrelenting standards I never thought I was perfect. I still don’t. Well, I think I’m perfectly imperfect. I make mistakes and I can’t let them get to me. It’s easier said than done. Even though I did come to the realization that I’m an actual person, it’s so difficult to believe sometimes. I guess it takes time. It’s been a long time since I actually considered my self-worth. I keep telling myself everyday that I’m worth it in hopes that it’ll stick. Maybe it seems ridiculous now but I’m sure I’ll believe it one day.

Last night I couldn’t help but think… because I was having trouble getting to sleep. I feel like I’m sabotaging myself. I’m under the impression that I constantly have to be improving or spiraling downwards. Now that I’m just stagnant, I can’t stand it. So I subconsciously ruined my own progress. I know that. I know my triggers and I force myself to face them in an attempt to trigger some sort of behavior. I didn’t even realize I was doing it and that’s how powerful my subconscious is. Of course, I can be more powerful. I know it. I just have to keep fighting. It’s just so fucking hard. I’m my own worst enemy and I’m so strong. Knowing that, how can I win against myself?

That’s just a snippet of what I wrote that day. I used to write pages and pages while I was in the hospital, until they took away my journal because it had wires. I don’t do so much anymore so I decided to look back and read through.

I marked this page for a reason and after reading it, I remember why. I’m in this constant war with myself and I just have to remember to keep fighting, no matter how exhausted I am.

I’m the type of person who needs a constant reminder.

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