What Could Have Been

Song of the Day: Wishes and Dreams by Stellar Kart

Today I started thinking about how great it would be to return to high school. Okay, I absolutely hated high school but I just wish I could start all over again. I’m sure everyone wishes that every once in a while. I like to believe that everything that has happened shaped me into the person I am today but I still can’t help but think about it.

Maybe it’s because there are times when I truly believe that I have done absolutely nothing with my life. I dropped out of college after a psychotic breakdown, I don’t make a steady income because I can’t keep a job for more than a few months, I don’t have any healthy relationships because I’m so out of touch with reality, and I spend half my days in a partial to complete state of delirium.

Sometimes I’ll try to think optimistically. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with dropping out of college. It’s not for everyone. Besides, I’m making an effort to return next year. As for my own income… No one is forcing me to get a job. My mom and dad, who are divorced, are both in the upper middle class. No matter who I choose to live with, I can focus on my own recovery. To be honest my recent job either made me manic, because I needed all that energy to work early or late, or so depressed that I completely isolate myself from everyone.

What was I talking about again? My mind is a complete mess and I never stay on one topic.

Oh right, I was talking about going back to high school. I guess I just wasn’t satisfied with it. I spent two years mostly in a state of mania and the other two years mostly depressed. I lost some of the greatest friends I’ve ever had. And then I had my eating disorder… Jesus, maybe it’s for the best I’m kind of sort of pass all of that. But I’m really not. I think I’m slowly falling into a psychotic depression.

I know the signs but I still haven’t found the best way to prevent it.

Anyway, I actually took my evening medications today so I’m tired.

Good night.

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