Okay, I lied. I have not been feeling so great these days. No, I’m not depressed. I just feel… different… dissociative.
Taking life-long medications change you. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder just eight months ago and already I feel completely different, especially with the increases I’ve had. I’m not the same person I was, which is pretty much the point of my medication. But at the same time, I just feel lost. I’m not really sure what kind of person I am anymore. It was like when this medication took away my mania and depression, it took away everything that I used to be.
I know that I was pretty self-destructive at times but it was my own mania that gave me the courage to pursue most of the opportunities that were presented to me. I was driven, goal-oriented, motivated, and at times gutsy. I miss all of that and now it’s just all gone. I guess I just don’t like this feeling of being void of some kind of madness.
If madness was all you ever really had, then what do you have left when you take it away?
Now my days are routine: wake up, eat, take medication, read, play piano, eat, read, browse internet, write, take medication, take medication, sleep.
Every once in a while I would divert from this routine and drive somewhere but that’s mainly it. That is my life.
I shouldn’t be complaining, I know. Apparently I’m better off feeling like a complete walker (Walking Dead reference, what?!) that lives a routine, safe lifestyle rather than like a complete maniac that needs to be hospitalized. I’m getting the help that I need. I just… I don’t know.
I’m not anxious, but I’m not excited.
I’m not lethargic, but I’m not energetic.
I’m not sad, but I’m not happy.
You get what I’m saying, right?
I know some of you out there have gone through this same thing before. Does this ever go away? Am I going to be stuck in this routine for the rest of my life?
That’s actually one of my biggest fears. I don’t want to have this same routine forever. But at the same time I don’t want to completely lose my mind and be that person that has to be taken care of all the time.
It’s just that these days I’ve been hiding the fact that I’m just dragging my feet.