Song of the Day: Baby, Come On by +44
I’ve recently been stuck in this rut.
As the title says, it all started with fried chicken and lasagna.
There was fried chicken in my house. I ate three of them and it felt like I had eaten too much. It seemed like a normal meal but to me it was a binge. I don’t really know what a normal meal is anymore because to be quite honest, I’ve been restricting the past few weeks. I even purged all the chicken I ate, and then later the lasagna. It was bad…
This was before I went up to Berkeley.
We ate a lot that weekend.
When I returned to L.A., I felt like I was twenty pounds heavier.
And so the disorder won over me again. I’ve been starving but it’s all worth it. I feel light. That’s just my disorders talking.
I was doing so well too. I know that recovery is a rough road but I can’t help but feel a little discouraged. So now I’m a little depressed, a little sick, and insanely exhausted. My sleeping pattern is terrible at the moment. It’s one of those times that even my medications don’t really work and so I sit at home on the couch… watching the Golden Girls, sometimes Criminal Minds, or American Horror Story.
Did I mention I’m back in San Diego until Black Friday? Well I am. But I’ve been too tired to really do anything. It is nice to see my dogs again though. And to be honest, I just feel at home. I’m not used to L.A. just yet and so I still feel like I’m obligated to do certain things. I can’t stay in my pajamas all day, I can’t sit around and drink tea on the couch or in my room, I can’t lie down on the floor with my dogs… Those little things make me feel at home but I’m not allowed to do that there.
Where was I getting at?
Oh yeah, my little eating disorder. I want nothing more than for it to just leave me alone, but I read that it just stays with you and relapse is common. I would know. I’ve relapsed dozens of times the past six or seven years. Every time I feel like I’m free it returns, usually even worse than before. I mean last time I relapsed I ended up partially hospitalized for a few months.
I have to gear up for battle yet again.