Song of the Day: My Only Wish (This Year) by Britney Spears
First and foremost I’d like to say that I took a lush bath bomb bath and it was amazing. You like my silver toenails? I usually don’t like baths because I always think it’s swimming in your own filth but I took a shower right before… Anyway, I have a huge collection so I can’t wait to use the rest of them throughout the winter.
I don’t know if I’ve ever revealed this but I’ve actually never had a real boyfriend before. So I’ve never had that romcom Christmas special on ABC Family style Christmas. I think there were a few Christmases where I had a significant other who wasn’t technically my boyfriend but I’m pretty sure I ruined all of those right after the New Year. My commitment issues, social anxiety, and volatile mood is just a terrible combination so I admit to constantly pushing people away.
I guess another reason I tend to push everyone away is that I’m really insecure about my mental health. I try to be confident about it but I hear too much slander about bipolar disorder. It’s difficult not to hear it all when it’s around you.
I’m still working on the whole accepting myself so that I can accept other people accepting me… Does that make any sense? I guess I just jump to conclusions about what people think of me. I’m working on it.
The plus side of not really having a significant other is that I don’t have to buy an extra present for someone, though I do like buying gifts for people (that I love). More money to spend on me!
Shh, I’m trying to make myself feel better here.
I’m actually a lot like Chandler Bing from Friends in real life. I tend to use humor and sarcasm to get out of talking about the real issues because I get really uncomfortable talking about my feelings. Feelings, bleh.
To be quite honest the only thing I really want for Christmas this year is just to have the strength to continue this exhausting recovery process. I get discouraged sometimes, as I’m sure a lot of you do. It just seems like whenever I improve one part of my health, I aggravate another. For instance, right now I’m really really ridiculously struggling with my eating disorder. But one disorder leads to another. It’s a cycle that I need to break.