This Christmas

Song of the Day: This Christmas by Boyz II Men

I meant to write  a lot earlier than today but I got caught up shopping for and wrapping Christmas presents. I’m proud to say that I’m done with all of that and so it’s Christmas movies and songs for me until the twenty-fifth.

First things first, I wanna show you the ugly Christmas sweater that I made last month with my friends!

Christmas Sweater

It makes noises and everything. It’s very cheesy and very ugly and I love it. I applaud myself for it.

Anyway, I started thinking about what I was doing this time last year. I was in Berkeley at the time, studying my ass off for the six finals that I had. My last final was Discrete Mathematics and right after I went to San Francisco with some of my housemates to go Christmas shopping. I guess those are the kinds of things that I miss about Berkeley. To be quite honest I absolutely hated going to school there, and I’m pretty sure I’ve made that clear on multiple occasions, but I met a handful of people that I – wouldn’t say loved but – liked. I’ll say that I still talk to about four or so that I met there every once in a while. Yeah… I’m not the best at maintaining friendships. I’m not too proud of that.

I guess the dreams that I’ve been having lately jogged my memory about all these things. I’ve been having pretty nostalgic dreams for a few weeks now. Actually I’ve been having them since January. That’s pretty normal for me but it seems like every single night I dream about some kind of opportunity that I missed out on. They’re mainly about the relationships that I pretty much ruined the past few years. So now I can’t stop thinking about them.

Christmas parties, secret Santa, delivering presents on Christmas day… They’re all just memories now. Sometimes they become memories that I just want to forget but sometimes they’re memories that I want to treasure for the rest of my life.

But like I said those are all just memories, the past.

This Christmas I’ll be spending it in San Diego with a large amount of my family from my mom’s side. I’m actually a little sad because it’s the first Christmas ever that I won’t be spending with my dad, who’s going to the Philippines until January. I teared up a little at the thought but on the bright side, it’s also the first Christmas in a while that I’ll be spending with my mom.

Lately I’ve been trying so hard to overcome this stupid eating disorder and everything that comes with it but I’ve really been struggling. I said that before but nothing much has changed. I can’t stop looking at the mirror and judging myself. On what scale? I don’t even know. I’ve never known. It’s what the illness does to you.

I don’t know how I got to talking about Christmas to this but that’s just how my mind works. I love the holidays but I can get a little depressed sometimes.

It’s getting close to Christmas so don’t procrastinate buying presents. Those last-minute shoppers at the mall can be pretty ridiculous. This year, I ordered a lot of my presents online sometime in the beginning of this month and I’m only waiting on two more presents, both of which are coming this week.

Anyway, happy Christmas shopping!

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