Okay fine. Yours may not be but I couldn’t really come up with a title. I guess I could have put “My Perfectionism is Out of Control.” I actually think it’s been getting better these days.
I’ve always been a perfectionist. Since I could remember, I always felt like I had to live up to certain expectations. I lived by the expression, “if at first you don’t succeed, you’re a failure.” How completely sick is that? For a while I thought the expectations came from others – my parents, peers, society, and etc.
Perfectionism isn’t always bad. I did really really well in school, but I’m pretty sure that was the only upside to it.
But eventually it just drives you mad.
You know what I mean. If you’re not the best at something, you give it up completely. Being “average” isn’t good enough. You procrastinate all the time because you’re terrified you’ll fail at the task. You feel the need to impress and compare yourself to others.
It was actually just last year that I found out that no one was pressuring me to be the best at everything. All of those expectations came from myself. Since that realization, I’ve slowly been working on it. I mean my closet is still arranged by color, sleeve length, and usage; all of my songs on iTunes have to have an artist, album title, album artwork, genre, and track number; and all of my beauty products are arranged by brand and usage… but that’s a whole different story.
I’ve been working on the whole “comparing myself to others” thing. It’s really difficult because I think everyone tends to do that. They do, right? Sometimes? I guess part of my social anxiety sources from all of that.
I think what I’m going to have the most trouble with is whatever is academic-related. I’m actually shuddering just thinking about going back to a university and… not doing so well. But like I said it’s a work in progress.
You know what’s a great exercise for letting go of perfectionism, at least a little bit? Drawing something without erasing.
It’s a baby step.