Old Writings and New Tones

Song of the Day: Heartbreaker by Led Zeppelin

I decided to read back on my old posts, the ones I wrote some time during the middle of 2013. I noticed a huge change in my tone since my first post. I remember writing that around the time after I was kicked out of the hospital for being “noncompliant”. They weren’t lying or exaggerating at all. I was a pretty terrible patient. One time I actually threw a chair. It wasn’t the best of times for me.

When I began this blog I was not only severely depressed but I was also pretty uncomfortable writing to a community that I wasn’t too familiar with. But as time went by, I found that writing really helped me through the recovery process. I don’t have a lot of people to speak to about all these things so writing all of my thoughts out, actually seeing my thought process, was helpful. When I read my own thoughts to myself, I managed to learn much more. Sometimes I just feel like a complete fool for thinking about it in the first place.

I wrote pretty inconsistent back then with my writing but since the New Year I decided to write every single day, no matter how insignificant my musings seemed. By the way, I love the word “musing”. If you’re just starting out, I highly recommend that you write as much as you can. Write in a personal journal if you would rather do that. I did and still do because I like practicing my penmanship.

These days I noticed that my tone is much more lighthearted. Well, sometimes there are those days when I feel a little down but it’s nothing compared to my writings from last year. The more I write here, the more I open up to the community and the more I get to showcase my true self. My true self is… probably not what you’d expect but we’ll see.

Well, I must go and roll around the floor with my dogs because it’s fun and they’re giant so I don’t have to worry about suffocating them.

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2 thoughts on “Old Writings and New Tones

  1. Hiya Deirdre! 🙂

    I’ve nearly always viewed my mental-health issues as a private thing that I had to manage myself and wouldn’t really share much of, and still don’t to a degree. I think it’s because I see it a weak point, as something which people can try and use against me at some point. I only talk to other people with mental-health issues and the person I mentioned the other day who helps me, but I don’t really like blogging about them. That’s not to say I didn’t write journals, I did, to get an idea of my mind-set and what triggers it etc.

    I know what you mean about feeling like a complete fool for thinking about the things we think about in the first place! When you’re inside of a depressing episode you think what you’re thinking is so right, true and you’ve seen the things and the world the way they really are! Then you come back to them the morning after, or later, when you feel better and you can see how flawed your thought process actually was! That’s why I don’t make decisions when I’m depressed, I sleep on it, then if I feel the same when I’m in a kinda ‘normal’ mind-set I’ll proceed with my original idea.

    You threw a chair? I have to say, from looking at the pictures of you on your ‘About me’ page, you don’t look the type at all! You’re not the only one to do that though, I used to headbutt and punch doors, walls, mirrors and concrete walls. Though this was more out of anger and frustration at my predicament than directed against people (I’m not saying you directed your anger towards people).

    Have a good Wednesday, Deirdre! 🙂

    – Phil

    1. Hey Phil!

      For a while I viewed it as a weakness but these days I see it as a strength. It’s difficult to deal with any kind of mental illness so the more you deal with it and the more you fight it, the stronger you get. Well, that’s my view on it now. But yes, there are those days that I feel like it’s hindering my life in some way.

      Exactly! When I read back on my journal I’m just like “Did I really think that?” I actually did make decisions when I was depressed/manic. Obviously, they weren’t the best decisions. haha.

      Yes, I did throw a chair! It was during group therapy. I don’t even remember why I was so angry. But yeah, I know it seems like I don’t do those kinds of things I actually get pretty… self-destructive/violent. I’ve punched walls, mirrors, concrete, and threw my phone at some people. Luckily, I have never hit a person!

      – Deirdre

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