A Zombie in the Mirror

Response to Daily Prompt: Mirror, Mirror

I spend much too much money on makeup and skincare products. I really do and I can admit that, with much shame, but I haven’t done much to change my habits.

Back during Halloween I decided to become a zombie, with rotting flesh, bloody scars, and open wounds. Sometimes I feel like that’s what I truly look like, decaying and everything, since most of the time that’s basically how I feel – dead inside. Those are the days when I’m in a truly deep depression.

Whenever I pass by a reflection of myself, I’m always surprised by what I see. Do I always look that tired? That fat? That short? That… sad? When I find myself with a blank, emotionless expression, I force a smile on my face. Faking it seems to help sometimes, but not always of course.

And maybe that’s one of the reasons I wear makeup. Besides enhancing the features I actually like, it masks all my pain. I’ve gotten so good at hiding behind it all these years. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m struggling but at the same time I need help. It’s always been a silent cry and I haven’t been able to find my voice just yet.

Then there are those days when I look at myself and actually like what I see so every once in a while I get a little boost of confidence. As shallow as this sounds, those are the days when I don’t have to worry about how I look and I don’t feel the need to starve myself. Or maybe it’s the other way around. If I don’t worry about how I look then I can look at myself in the mirror and really smile. Yeah, that makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it?

I used to think mirrors showed you how others you when in fact they show you how you see yourself. I admit that I still don’t see myself the way that I want to, but like everything else in my life it’s a work in progress.

Maybe I should just stop spending so much time staring at myself in the mirror. If I stop pointing out every single flaw that I have then, well, wouldn’t that just be perfect?


10 thoughts on “A Zombie in the Mirror

  1. Hiya Deirdre! 🙂

    I know this will sound stupid but fake smiling, even if you don’t mean it is a good thing! It’s a good thing because your brain can’t tell the difference if you’re really happy or not and releases endorphins to make you feel good. I’ve been doing it and it does help when you’re in one of those down moods.

    I point out the flaws in my own appearance too! I think everyone does this, but people like us have difficulty dealing with it emotionally and then sinking, which again for us is hard to emerge from! The best thing to do is just try to not think about it. And you’re in no way fat from what I’ve seen of you, mate! So no worries there! 🙂

    – Phil

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