Response to Daily Prompt: Mirror, Mirror
I spend much too much money on makeup and skincare products. I really do and I can admit that, with much shame, but I haven’t done much to change my habits.
Back during Halloween I decided to become a zombie, with rotting flesh, bloody scars, and open wounds. Sometimes I feel like that’s what I truly look like, decaying and everything, since most of the time that’s basically how I feel – dead inside. Those are the days when I’m in a truly deep depression.
Whenever I pass by a reflection of myself, I’m always surprised by what I see. Do I always look that tired? That fat? That short? That… sad? When I find myself with a blank, emotionless expression, I force a smile on my face. Faking it seems to help sometimes, but not always of course.
And maybe that’s one of the reasons I wear makeup. Besides enhancing the features I actually like, it masks all my pain. I’ve gotten so good at hiding behind it all these years. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m struggling but at the same time I need help. It’s always been a silent cry and I haven’t been able to find my voice just yet.
Then there are those days when I look at myself and actually like what I see so every once in a while I get a little boost of confidence. As shallow as this sounds, those are the days when I don’t have to worry about how I look and I don’t feel the need to starve myself. Or maybe it’s the other way around. If I don’t worry about how I look then I can look at myself in the mirror and really smile. Yeah, that makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it?
I used to think mirrors showed you how others you when in fact they show you how you see yourself. I admit that I still don’t see myself the way that I want to, but like everything else in my life it’s a work in progress.
Maybe I should just stop spending so much time staring at myself in the mirror. If I stop pointing out every single flaw that I have then, well, wouldn’t that just be perfect?