I start my first day of school tomorrow. The thought is giving me anxiety.
I don’t know if you know this but I had to take a leave of absence from UC Berkeley because of my anorexia and my developing mania. That mixture led to a complete mental breakdown on the early morning of 15 Feb 2013. I remember that day specifically because I have several airline tickets from that day because I just lost it at the airport.
And so, this is kind of a big deal despite the fact that it’s at a local community college (I’ll be much more anxious when I actually go overseas to a four-year) and I’m only taking three classes. I’m not anxious about the academic portion of it, no. I spent a good amount of time this past year keeping up with my studies.
It’s the idea of having to interact with other people again. I’ve been doing well interacting with all of my friends, but they’re my friends and most of them are aware of my condition.
But now I’ll be surrounded by hundreds of people I don’t know, about forty in each class. I know this sounds kind of weird but I actually prefer larger lectures so I just kind of blend into the background. In Berkeley we had no less than 150 people in lectures but only 30 in discussions. It was the latter I had problems with because sometimes we would have “icebreakers”. I can’t even tell you how much I hate those…
So yes, I’m pretty nervous about tomorrow.
But I’m just going to take some deep breaths and proceed with confidence.