I use sarcasm and humor as a front for my vulnerabilities.
There. I said it.
I can’t honestly talk about my feelings face-to-face with another person. I get anxious at the slight mention of anything too serious, and a sarcastic comment just slips out of my mouth. It’s almost like I physically cannot handle the conversation.
And the dry, nervous laughter? That slips out too.
My recovery process has been rocky at best because I can’t seem to open up to anyone, not even my psychiatrist or therapist. I actually know the reason for that… It seems like everyone who I had shared my deepest feelings with just weaned out of my life. I know I shouldn’t dwell on that but it’s scarring and the experiences have left me absolutely terrified.
My bipolarity causes me to feel extreme, overwhelming emotions and that just makes everything so much worse for me. I tend to overreact to and over think certain things; so the buildup of everything that had happened from my childhood still affects me like it happened just days ago. When I’m confronted, I get so anxious that I start shaking and crying on the spot. I can’t even speak.
I’ve been through that portion of the recovery process, because it’s necessary, but it got too intense for me and I ended up rebuilding the walls that I initially destroyed. I actually got to a point where I was feeling emotions as they were… and in front of others. It wasn’t too bad and I admit to getting better.
So I don’t quite know what happened that forced me back to my original front, to thinking that emotions make me weak. They just make me human but for some reason I’m not satisfied with that.