Behind the Laughter

I use sarcasm and humor as a front for my vulnerabilities.

There. I said it.

I can’t honestly talk about my feelings face-to-face with another person. I get anxious at the slight mention of anything too serious, and a sarcastic comment just slips out of my mouth. It’s almost like I physically cannot handle the conversation.

And the dry, nervous laughter? That slips out too.

My recovery process has been rocky at best because I can’t seem to open up to anyone, not even my psychiatrist or therapist. I actually know the reason for that… It seems like everyone who I had shared my deepest feelings with just weaned out of my life. I know I shouldn’t dwell on that but it’s scarring and the experiences have left me absolutely terrified.

My bipolarity causes me to feel extreme, overwhelming emotions and that just makes everything so much worse for me. I tend to overreact to and over think certain things; so the buildup of everything that had happened from my childhood still affects me like it happened just days ago. When I’m confronted, I get so anxious that I start shaking and crying on the spot. I can’t even speak.

I’ve been through that portion of the recovery process, because it’s necessary, but it got too intense for me and I ended up rebuilding the walls that I initially destroyed. I actually got to a point where I was feeling emotions as they were… and in front of others. It wasn’t too bad and I admit to getting better.

So I don’t quite know what happened that forced me back to my original front, to thinking that emotions make me weak. They just make me human but for some reason I’m not satisfied with that.

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7 thoughts on “Behind the Laughter

  1. I love the way you write… You just perfectly described how I’ve been feeling lately.

    And I’m really sorry that you have to go through this. I know what you’re feeling and it sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

  2. I don’t know what to say, Deirdre! I’ve been the same and still am some times. I used to use sarcasm a lot to deflect attention away from myself when someone started digging and getting personal with me. I tend to overact and obsess over things too, not as much as I used to but it still happens!

    So you fear opening up in case those people leave your life like the others you told also did? When you say ‘weaned out’ of your life, do you mean you did that or they just sort of weaned themselves out?

    – Phil

    1. Yes to the entire second paragraph. I kind of have abandonment issues now. I think it was a little of both when it came to people leaving my life. I mean, I was pretty sick so I didn’t want to deal with people but most of the time we just drifted.

      – Deirdre

  3. I can relate to the use of sarcasm as a front. It’s an easy way to interact with people without showing too much. You don’t have to show what you’re truly thinking, in a way it’s a shield to be open. I haven’t experienced mental illness, but getting better is a process. In order to have high points and success you need lows and failures.

    I appreciate you sharing your bipolar disorder with us ona daily basis. This is what I mean, people should be free to express their insecurities and concerns whenever they feel like it.

    1. Thank you! I love writing about and discussing my bipolar disorder. It really helps me accept that fact that I have it since I went through a long period of denying it. And I hope that it inspires others to write about their own experiences too.

      I’m still not comfortable being open and expressive in front of others. While I work a little on verbal expression, I at least have my writing. So I guess if people really wanted to know how I’m feeling or what’s going on in my head, they can stop by here.

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