Do you ever just feel like everyone is talking about you? Every time I’m around a large group of people I have this gut-wrenching feeling that they’re talking about me, about how “crazy” I am. It seems like even though I haven’t said anything about having a mental illness, they just somehow know.
I try to sit all the way in the back in all my classrooms despite the height difference between me and everyone else in the class, but for some reason I would immediately feel nauseous when someone looks at me. There is absolutely no way you can tell if someone has a mental illness just by looking at him/her; and yet I get the feeling that they somehow know.
My paranoia is just acting up again.
Mental disorders are automatically associated with insanity, but that’s just the popular stigma. I’m comfortable talking about my bipolar disorder… here in my own blog. But I still can’t vocalize it to others. I don’t have to tell people about it yet I can’t help but instantly jump to the conclusion that they wouldn’t want to deal with someone like me because, in truth, it’s pretty damn hard to.
But true friends stick with you no matter what. The friends I’ve had since middle school are amazing. A handful of them know the severity of my symptoms and they haven’t given up on me; just like I wouldn’t leave someone because they’re a little difficult to handle. So when it comes down to it, it doesn’t really matter how anyone sees me. Still, it makes me incredibly anxious thinking about it.
But I chose “Insanity is Relative” for a reason.
Despite feeling quite insecure during my down days I like to think, “It’s not me who’s mad; it’s everyone else.”