I feel like it’s been so long since we were able to sit down and have a nice conversation. That’s mostly, or entirely, my fault since I’ve been in San Diego, my beautiful hometown, and I just caught a fever. Despite that I thought it would be nice to have some tea here at this new coffee shop I discovered. Cute, isn’t it?
Before I say anything else, I want to show you a photo of Riley and Zeus. The latter has grown so much since the last time I was there, which was the end of January. He’s roughly 105lbs, around my own weight. The moment I walked into the entryway, they were so happy that they both jumped up and knocked me down. I don’t tolerate them jumping but I did right then because… well, I was just as excited. Don’t you just love how dogs are always so excited to see you? Whether you’ve been gone for hours, days, weeks, or etc, they are so sincerely happy when you walk in through that front door. I mean… you’re their whole world.
Anyway, with their collective weight being over 200lbs, they knocked me down to the ground. As you know, that is not the first time a dog has knocked me down…
I went to see my psychiatrist on Monday and he says that I’ve been doing pretty well lately despite my anxiety and occasional purging/restricting. My mind’s still a little messed so I honestly don’t know if I’m ‘binging’ or eating a regular amount of food. Maybe we should have some more meals together. It’s reassuring to eat with someone… who eats. I unintentionally compare what I eat to what others eat, though keeping in mind their relative size.
I even compare my food intake with yours. I you don’t get a croissant, then I won’t get a croissant no matter how much I want it. That’s my little hint that you should go get us some croissants. I’ll wait. Thanks.
I’ve always wanted to ask you: what’s your favorite non-physical quality about yourself?
When I was an outpatient in the hospital several months ago, we took turns telling someone in the group what we liked about her (it was a group specifically for women with eating disorders). A girl, who was just a few years older than I was, told me that I after hearing about what I’ve been through I was one of the most resilient people she’s ever met. I was so sincerely touched because I had been under the impression that I was weak and broken.
And so that’s why I think my resiliency is my best and favorite quality. I’ve hit rock bottom, and somehow even lower than that, but I’m still here… constantly fighting for some kind of purpose. Like I’ve told you before, I’ve become one of those people who believe the awful experiences have made me a much stronger person. Don’t laugh, I don’t mean physically.
Before, I would crumble at every obstacle but now… I do my best to stand my ground. I admit that sometimes I do topple over but I don’t take as long to get back on my feet.
Alright, I’m gonna get a refill on my tea but when I get back you can tell me what you’ve been up to.