Back in mid-2008 I was recovering from a rather long episode of restricting and as you can see from this photo, I’ve gained some weight since then. I don’t think I actually have any photos of myself in early 2008. I was too preoccupied about what I was eating.
Now, being 5′ 2″ (I was the same height back then too because I stopped growing) a size double zero doesn’t sound too bad. But actually I was too small to fit into the smallest size for women, not that I liked to wear tight clothing anyway. I wanted the larger ones since it made me feel smaller if that makes any sense. However, I just like knowing that I could fit into those pair of jeans.
What I learned over time is that we’re all genetically a certain size; that if we eat balanced meals we would be at our “ideal weight”. Some women are a natural size 00, some a 4, maybe 6 or 8… well, you get what I mean. Back then I thought that being “healthy” meant being a size 00. Maybe it was just me or maybe it was virtually everything that the media had brainwashed me with. Nonetheless it was already in my mind and the escalating eating disorder was warping my thoughts.
After months of twenty-hour outpatient therapy a week, I still have those thoughts in mind. There are times when I try on an item of clothing in the size that I used to be when I was “sick”, and I freak out a little because I can no longer fit in them. Like I mentioned before, eating disorders are life-long. However, I’ve gotten better. For instance, these days (well… I slip sometimes because I’m human) I try to eat balanced meals… and spend less time trying on clothes, old and new.
Whenever I think about returning to that certain size, I remind myself of everything that happened during my double zero year. I felt faint a majority of the time; I had to go to the ER several times for dehydration, low-iron, low-potassium, low-everything; and I was completely miserable and angry.
I don’t want to go through that again, yet I did just last year. You wanna know what happened then? I dropped out of school and moved back home because I needed to be in said twenty-hour outpatient therapy a week.
I’m still learning to be comfortable in my own skin and I know that it’ll take a while but I’m still confident that eventually I will be.