It’s scary out there…

Back when I was fifteen or sixteen, all I ever wanted to do was be independent and “leave the nest” so to say. It wasn’t because I dislike my father or my siblings (okay, maybe a little but that’s normal). I just… being a teenager I guess. I was so quick to get out of the house when I was eighteen to go to Berkeley that I didn’t realize all of the things I took for granted. It was only a few months or so into living away from my family did I realize it all, so it contributed to my depression.

I actually didn’t fully understand how much I relied on my family until I had that crippling manic episode last February and was forced to go back home. My dad, who I believe was unaware of what had been happening to me, was so understanding when I asked him if I could take a leave of absence from Berkeley. The next few months afterwards were some of the worst in my life, not to sound dramatic, but I somehow got through it. When I was an inpatient my dad visited me every single day to bring me food. Naturally, the hospital food wasn’t too good.

These days I don’t take my parents for granted because I’m one of the lucky ones. They pay for my food, shelter, university, health care, and everything else. And maybe that makes me sound a little spoiled, but I really do appreciate what my parents do for me. I’m still trying to figure out my place in this world and I need all the reinforcement I can get. I mean the real world is terrifying, isn’t it? All those bills, responsibilities, and etc. Having some kind of mental illness, it’s even more terrifying for me because it makes it a bit more difficult to survive.

I’m getting ready to face the real world once again as I prepare for university in a whole different country (continent!). But I don’t think I’ll ever stop being that little girl who needs her parents. I don’t mean financially or anything like that, but emotionally. When I go through some kind of hardship, all I really want is to see my parents. I can be an independent person and still need my parents every once in a while, right?

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