Do you ever feel like you’re addicted to a certain type of pain? The pain is familiar to you, and you’d rather feel that than anything else unfamiliar. No, it’s best to feel pain you’ve felt before.
I’m addicted to the feeling of disappointment. I constantly set myself up for it, especially when it comes to friendships.
I wear myself out with relationships. I’m aware that I give so much more than I take, but for some reason it doesn’t matter. I expect nothing, but at the same time I expect to receive just as much, which seems like such a high expectation because of how much of myself I actually give to the other person. It makes me weary and resentful.
As I try to cultivate new friendships, I feel even more self-conscious than usual. I want so badly for the other person to like me that I constantly sacrifice my own needs and wants. I’ve been so selfless these days that I can’t even stand myself right now. I just feel like crawling into bed and sleeping the entire day in order to forget I ever tried.
I knew perfectly well this would happen. My perfectionism made it all inevitable.
And maybe that’s where my six-hour long anxiety attack stemmed from… from all of this.
These dysfunctional types of relationships are the reason why it’s difficult for me to be so close to people. The balance is completely off. I give everything and I get nothing, unless I’m lucky and I get something.
Disappointment is something that I subconsciously want to face. It’s one of the few types of pain that I’m completely familiar with.
But I’m so weary. I’m so tired. I’m so sick.