I’ve been focusing a lot on anxiety because for some reason the level of my anxiety this week is so high. I feel like I haven’t been able to sit still since Monday. And I don’t even remember what it feels like to be completely calm. The thought of anything makes my heart race, and so I’ve been cooped up in my room trying to find some way to get through it.
And then I started thinking… if someone I had just met found this blog, he/she would find out just how insane and irrational I can be! I don’t know why that thought makes me so anxious. I wouldn’t want to be friends with anyone who doesn’t accept the entirety of me. But at the same exact time I don’t want to be ostracised or treated differently because of whatever I’ve been diagnosed with. We live in a society where we who have a mental illness aren’t completely accepted.
I’ve been doing so well accepting my situation but I’m still volatile. The moment I feel the negativity from just one person, I curl back up into my shell. But the idea that there are people out there who read this blog, and accept me no matter how I can be is really comforting. If you’re reading this, and I mean really reading this, then I thank you.
I honestly this blog is what keeps me from completely losing it. My anxiety got so bad that I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to delete my Facebook, my Instagram, my Skype (which I found out was virtually impossible), and even this blog. That all stemmed from the thought I had about people finding this blog and finding out the kind person I really am… not that I’m implying that I’m a bad person or anything.
I just because so engrossed in my anxiety and I thought that it would all go away if I just disappeared for a little while so that everyone would just leave me alone. But I know that wouldn’t solve anything. In fact, that would probably make everything worse.
As I finish this post, I realize that I feel like crying but that I also feel a bit better.
“Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.”