Conditional “Friend”ship

Happy day! Except not really for me. Like I’ve mentioned I haven’t been in the greatest of moods lately, mainly because of all this anxiety. Since I blame it on social interaction I think I’m going to take a break from all the social networks for a while, similar to what I’ve done before. By the way, I don’t count blogging as a social media platform because… well, I don’t really interact with people. I try, I really do. I type up long, thoughtful comments for posts but rarely actually send them for fear of sounding insensitive or stupid. I can be both.

Right now, I’m just quite disappointed in people. Finding out that there are certain people out there who talk to me only because they believe I’ll fulfill some kind of condition is quite disheartening. I feel like that should have been obvious but I’ve been trying not to lose all my fate in this society. Well… that’s not going to happen anytime soon after this.

I guess I should be specific.

For starters I consider everyone to be attractive in their own way. There’s no single definition of that word for me. Not to sound egoistic or anything, I consider myself moderately attractive. Well, those are the days when I’m not completely self-conscious. With that said I always get the feeling that people, mainly guys, only speak to me because they think I’ll offer more than I’m willing to give. I mean, I’m really not willing to give anything but my friendship. And I know I’m not the only one who experiences this.

And even if that isn’t the case the moment they found out I have some issues with mental health, they leave. I know it’s difficult to be friends with me. I can’t handle many types of social situations; I tend to get depressed and angry; I can be incredibly irrational; I’m enigmatic; and I’m overly conscious about everything. But at the same time I think anyone would be lucky to have me as a friend, not to sound arrogant again. It takes me a while to give my heart out, but when I do I give it my all.

All I want is for people to like me for me. Is that too much to ask?

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3 thoughts on “Conditional “Friend”ship

  1. I think a break from social media is a good idea, generally. Facebook is the root of all evil since it misrepresents people’s lives – you only see the good stuff!

  2. It is certainly not too much to ask and you are not being arrogant in any way, shape or form. I spent my childhood growing up with the same wisdom my grandfather gave my mother: “The number of true friends you will have in this world can be counted on one hand.” It seems harsh but it’s true. I’ve lucky in that I have a small circle of friends who I can always turn to, and who can turn to me also. I’ve also managed to find a partner who is brave enough to withstand all the crazy that comes along with having a girlfriend who over-thinks every situation and sits up at night freaking out over the future. This people are very hard to find, but when they arrive it will take something akin to a nuclear blast to remove them from your side. Even then there is a chance that they’ll limpet themselves to your leg and refuse to move no matter how hard you kick.
    I will admit that I have no experience of living with a serious mental health condition. I have had bouts of mild depression, normally brought about by stress, but I have always managed to pull myself out of it eventually or found herbal remedies which have helped. All in all I’m very lucky when it comes to my mental health.
    However, if you are ever stuck for someone to talk to, if you wish to speak to anyone that is, my inbox is always open. I check it almost compulsively, but then again I have it on my ipod so why wouldn’t I? I wish you all the best,
    Carol.

    caroljforrester@hotmail.com

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