Since I’ve been on the theme of anxiety this past week I thought I would talk about perfectionism, which is where a lot of my anxiety stems from. I was raised with the idea of perfectionism; that I was supposed to achieve certain things or else I’d be considered a failure. I think that has a lot to do with my culture. It’s not enough to try your best. You have to be the best.
And so that thought stayed with me even until now. I’m not just scared of failure; I’m terrified of it. I feel like if I fail at one thing then I fail at everything. I guess it hasn’t been as bad as it was before I began therapy, but it’s ever present. I just feel like I’m constantly put on this pedestal by others.
But actually, I am fully aware that all of these standards are just a figment of my imagination; they don’t exist. I simply force them to. I subconsciously create these standards for myself and act as if they come from others. Isn’t that just terrible? I blame others for my own self-blame. Does that make any sense at all? I wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t.
At the same time I know I shouldn’t have to live with anyone’s expectations other than my own. But it’s strange… I have two different levels of standards for myself. One is meant to be a facade, what I want people to think I expect out of myself. The other one is what I truly expect from myself, which is a lot higher. I’m not just scared of failure, but I’m afraid of others witnessing it…
Now that’s sad.
So now you can see why I have so much anxiety all of the time. I’m irrational and I’m a perfectionist. I’m an irrational perfectionist, which isn’t the best combination in the world.
That quality has some positive aspects of course, but I have too much of the quality. And we all know that too much of anything isn’t good.