I’ve been learning more and more these days that a lot of my non-social related anxiety stems from me being too conscious about everything. I admit to reading and watching the news much too much and so I constantly feel like something terrible could happen anywhere I go. I’m not over exaggerating. As I’ve stated before I’m terrified of going out at night, riding roller coasters, large crowds, and even closed spaces like movie theaters. I’ve been to the cinema a few times this past week and all three times I was legitimately scared someone was going to open fire.
Can you really blame me about the last one? It’s quite ludicrous just how many shootings there’s been here in America, granted that they’re mostly in schools… which makes it even worse. Can you imagine not feeling safe in school? I actually don’t feel safe anywhere, not these days. Just a few weeks ago someone open-fired in our previous apartment complex.
But I digress.
Sometimes I wish I leaned towards the more manic side of me. That’s the part of me that isn’t too afraid to take risks. Most of the decisions I’ve made under that state of mind weren’t the greatest but at least it was exciting. For God’s sakes I almost joined the Air Force! Although that was a terrible idea, I had fun and learned a lot about myself. These days I look back and laugh at my experience. That’s what this confident side of me does! It gives me the courage to do things I wouldn’t normally do because I’m so scared of what could happen. I don’t think, I just do.
But I’m not just conscious about my surroundings; I’m overly self-conscious as well. I’ve been working on it but I still worry about my weight, my appearance, and even the amount of calories I eat. It’s one of the reasons why my eating disorder comes back so often. I didn’t want to admit it but I’m struggling with it right now. I’ve been keeping a food diary and counting calories since the beginning of this month. Now I’ve been trying to exercise every single day. It doesn’t seem too bad but it’s a slippery slope for me.
I absolutely hate being so conscious. It has it’s perks. For instance it makes me more responsible and cautious but I mean they do say that “ignorance is bliss”. And maybe, just maybe, they – whoever they are – is right. If I wasn’t so aware of all the possible consequences, I’d probably live a more anxious-free lifestyle. But it’s not like I can really help it. I can’t just control my anxiety, though wouldn’t that be great?