Becoming Too Real

The other day I bought my flight ticket to Edinburgh and that’s when it really hit me that I’m actually going to Scotland. I knew it before but it’s only recently become… well, real.

According to my countdown app I have about 37 days left until the day of my flight and as the numbers wind down I’m feeling a whole slew of different emotions, which I deem as quite natural considering the situation. I’m excited, anxious, hopeful, terrified, a little sick, and probably just about everything else in between.

I’ve never been out of the U.S. since I immigrated here when I was seven and in 37 days I’m actually going to be living in another country. How terrifyingly exhilarating is that?!

And after almost two years, I’ll be going back to university. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I’ve decided that I want to finish school and get a degree for me and only me. Before I only wanted to continue my education because I felt like that was the acceptable thing to do but now it’s because I actually really want to. I don’t quite remember if I’ve written about this before but one of my aspirations is to work in the cyber security. I feel as if it’s quite an important field, especially these days, and it’s something that I absolutely love doing. I truly believe I have the mind for it.

I also love learning and expanding my knowledge of various subjects. I’m thinking for one of my electives this semester, I’ll take some kind of physics class. I haven’t had the chance to take any kind of university-level physics class but I find the subject so fascinating. Like math, physics is everywhere! At least to me it is…

Okay, enough about school. I think you get just how excited I am for that.

What makes me, and my dad, a little concerned is my not-so-sound mental health. I had a few minor, and one very severe, mental breakdowns when I was in Berkeley. But back then I wasn’t under any kind of medication or therapy. I’ve gone through a lot the past two years I haven’t been in school. I mean I feel like I’m a completely different person now. I’m stronger and more capable, and this is going to be the time where I can finally prove it to myself.

There are going to be a lot of variables going into Scotland. My anxiety can still act up sometimes but the increased dosage helped me a lot. I still don’t think I can be in a space with large groups of people, but I’m sure I’m not the only one. That’s just my introvertedness. Is that a word? But I’ll try not to let my anxiety take over everything. There have been a lot of times when I had initial anxiety over something that turned out to be pretty amazing.

Then there’s the whole manic-depression thing. Yeah, that thing. I’ve actually been able to regulate that with my medication cocktail so I haven’t experienced any sort of episode since sometime late last year, I think. Hold the applause.

But I have to admit that I actually do have that tendency to stop taking my medication but I somehow always manage to get back on track. Maybe, just maybe, reading my past posts, as well as other’s posts, will help me.

I never took advantage of writing in the past but now that I have this tool, I’ll survive.

On a side note, I’m currently listening to this playlist that I made specifically to tune the world out. Here are a few of the eighty-seven songs included!

As you can see, there’s no specific genre, but enjoy anyway and happy Friday!

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3 thoughts on “Becoming Too Real

  1. Good luck in Edinburgh! I have some of the best memories of my life from when I lived there, it is truly a fairytale city. I only want to share the advice I was given about my medications (don’t know if they are the same as yours of course), and that is if you are about to go through a stressful time or upheaval such as moving, just make sure you don’t cut down your dosage until you feel settled and comfortable. Take it easy, and most of all, enjoy 🙂

  2. Hiya Deirdre! 🙂

    Sorry for my absence but I’ve had a few mental health issues to deal with myself. I’ve had bouts of anxiety and depression since March and it’s been difficult to shake, I’m not fully over it yet but hopefully it will leave!

    Talking of leaving, I hope you have a great time in Scotland! Don’t worry about large groups of people in Scotland it’s sparsely populated, there’s 150 there max, maybe 200 with the Commonwealth Games going on, don’t worry!

    All joking aside why do you have to go so far to study, especially when you have health conditions? Would it not make more sense to go to Uni in the U.S? You could still prove it go yourself you can do it closer to home, couldn’t you? Or have I missed the blog where you explained this? I probably have! 😛

    Anyway, just thought I’d wish you luck and say hello and hopefully I’ll be around more often soon!

    All the best, mate! 🙂

    – Phil

    1. Hallo! Sorry to hear that you’ve been having a bit of problems. I really hope that things will get better for you.

      I think I did explain my reasons… though I don’t quite remember what I write about sometimes. Well, it’s not really to prove anything. I just wanted to try something new and get out of the US for a little while. To be honest, I love/hate being close to home. I absolutely love my family but it’s difficult for them to let me grow. It’s just our culture to keep the family together for as long as possible.

      There’s no doubt I’m still pretty much a child – I mean I can’t even rent a car here! – but I just wanna get out there. It’s terrifying but the great kind.

      – Deirdre

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