It’s completely escaped me that the anniversary of my blog was on the 29th. In a belated celebration of it, I decided to go back to my very first post and simply read through it. I’ve already somewhat written about the changes I’ve gone through the past year recently when I turned twenty-one, but there’s no harm in thinking through it all again. Besides, this is the first time I’ll be reading my earlier posts in quite a long time.
I absolutely love my first post because not only does it set the overall purpose of this blog but it’s just so… real. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost that sincerity now that I know that there are people out there who actually read my blog. When I started writing I didn’t think anybody would care enough to read. Of course, that was also the time when I was wallowing in self-pity and felt as if I was the only person in the world.
Reading those earlier posts reminded me why I started writing in the first place. It wasn’t to satisfy an audience, but only to share some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. Over time I began censoring myself for fear of negative feedback. But this is the Internet and if you put yourself out there, then it’s just inevitable so I’ve been working on that. I also fear sounding insensitive because of my usually dry sense of humor.
At the same time I realized that I’ve been able to connect with so many others around the world who have gone or are going through similar situations. There have been times when people have actually thanked me for indirectly helping them out with something and it’s such a great thing to hear that I’m actually making some kind of difference in another person’s life.
I love helping others. I really do. I’m not the best person to go to for advice but I am a pretty above average listener, at least I like to think so. My close friends like to call or text me every once in a while just so they can rant about whatever they’re feeling at the moment. Hey, I like listening to what other people are currently going through… and not for any consciously selfish reason.
I was so so so so miserable when I began this blog. I was smack dab in the middle of a severe depressive episode, having just come down from a short period of hypomania that had landed me in the hospital. The only thing that had been helping me cope was writing in my journal but one night I decided to just write online… And publish.
Now… I’m much less miserable. Actually, I guess I could safely say that I’m mostly satisfied with where I am right now. This time last year, I was unmotivated and apathetic. But somehow I managed to gradually get my tenacity back. It takes a bit of that to fight the demons every single day.
I think this is the longest I’ve ever committed to something…