This past week, since my schedule was still in the process of finalizing, I had quite a bit of time in between my classes. Instead of going back to my flat, I decided to just sit by the window of one of the cafés, drink some tea, and contemplate life.
Okay, I do that a lot but I haven’t had enough chances to because of the insanity of the first few weeks of moving and starting uni.
I sadly did not have my computer with me, mostly because I brought books instead, and so I couldn’t write a stream of consciousness post like I wanted. I would have written everything down but, to be honest, I was too lazy and my fingers would freeze every time I would let go of the mug.
I couldn’t help thinking about how starting university all over again is similar to having used a time machine that preserved my memories of the future. Does that make any sense? I’ve already had my experiences as a university student so it’s as if I have preprogrammed functions to work with. Sorry. I study math and computer science, and I just had to make that comparison.
I thought back to all the mistakes I made the first time I began university and the main one was just… being too afraid to be myself.
Now I know that sounds incredibly cheesy but it is the truth, isn’t it?
Back then, I wanted so badly for people to like me that I eventually went through some sort of identity crisis. I was constantly depressed and anxious because I cared much too much about how others saw me, or whoever that person was I wanted them to believe was me. I became stuck in the midst of everything I wanted to be and everything I thought I wanted to be.
There’s this Bon Jovi song called “Have a Nice Day” that I like to listen to every once in a while, with my favorite line being “when the world gets in my face, I say ‘have a nice day'”.
You can apply that line to whatever you want but to me, it’s mostly for dealing with my own insecurities.
I admit that I still care about how others see me but I care much more about staying true to myself because… why not?
I know that I’m not the conventional twenty-one-year old and I know I get judged for it. But I happen to like that I’m overly conscious, that I enjoy music from before my time, that I would rather talk, that I can be vulgar and candid, that I study for fun, that I try to find humor in everything, and… that this list could go on for as long as I want.
I also know that’s sometimes it’s not that easy to shrug off someone disliking you. I just like to remind myself that I shouldn’t worry so much about a person who doesn’t even think twice about me. I mean… what’s the point in all of that, right?
It took a really really ridiculously long time for me to get to where I am now regarding my confidence. This time last year, it was virtually nonexistent so I’m proud of where I stand today and I’m not going to let anyone shake me.
Have a nice day.
Mondays are tough.