It seems like you’re doing well

The early stages of mania is often mistaken as that person just being happy.

And, of course, it may start off that way.

It isn’t really until you’ve been thrown into the hospital that people realize that those were all signs.

It’s strange, isn’t it? The line that divides a “normal” level of happiness and the “manic” level of happiness. It’s paper thin.

I’m not sure if I even know what the feeling between mania and depression is, so it’s always been difficult for me to tell. I wonder if what I’m feeling – anxiety, sadness, happiness – is at a relatively “normal” level.

I keep putting normal in quotes because it’s so relative. So I guess, in a way, there’s really no point in me worrying about it… in a way.

I’m also not quite sure where I was going with this but, as always, I’ll just keep writing and see where it takes me.

I began thinking about all of this again when someone told me that it looked like I was doing well. I have absolutely no idea why but it made me irrationally angry. It sounded so condescending and I couldn’t take it, though I simply thanked the person.

I guess it’s because whenever someone says I seem well, I actually feel the complete opposite.

These days it does seem like I’m happy and energetic and motivated and everything along those lines. And I am but at the same time, I keep fighting the mania that seems to want to burst out of me. I didn’t even realize it until recently, when I had a few moments of clarity by speaking to my therapist, that I haven’t slept much in weeks and that I’ve spent so much money on clothes, food, miscellaneous items that I don’t need, and flight tickets to London!

Someone asked me to go to London and I agreed, took my card out, and bought the tickets on the spot.

That’s not characteristic of me at all.

It’s a little discouraging… thinking that I’m completely fine and then realizing that I’m not.

Okay, maybe I was at a “normal” level of happiness at one point, but like I said it’s easy to tip the scale.

It’s difficult to talk to my friends about it because it’s something that I can’t really explain and so I just get the usual “it seems like you’re doing well” with a little smiley face emoticon at the end. They inadvertently make me feel like foolish about my emotions, discouraging me from talking to them about it.

Despite the past four hundred or so words, I’m actually quite alright. No need to worry, in case you were.

I hope you’re doing well as well!


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