Underlying Resentment

Truth be told, I’m terrified.

I’m terrified of the idea that my disorder affects others almost as much as it does me.

Because I know it does.

I’m terrified that I’m making everyone around me weary and that one day they’ll all just realize that I’m no longer worth all the trouble. Even worse is that they’ll stay out of guilt. I’d rather have the former happen. At least in that case I’ll be absolved from my own guilt that will inevitably arise.

This disorder… I’ll have it for the rest of my life. Despite being on medication, I know that I’ll still go through episodes of depression and mania. They may not be as bad as reaching psychosis as in the past but it’ll happen, especially since there are periods of time when I grow resentful towards having to take medication everyday.

It’s difficult to deal with my volatile moods. It’s this constant cycle of being well, depressed, and manic. Each episode lasts for an unspecified period of time. Sometimes it lasts for months. About two years ago, I had a depressive episode that lasted six months. A manic episode and eventual psychosis that lasted about a week or so almost killed me. I don’t even remember what happened.

I feel a sense of guilt when everyone begins to constantly worry about me. Because of what happened last year, everyone treats me as if anything they say could set me off and that I constantly have to be watched.

I have this gut feeling that most people around me believe that this is something I’ll just get over, but it’s not. I’ve been urged by some, especially family members, to titrate out of my medication, and every time someone does I have to hold back my tears because I know that they just don’t understand what I constantly have to go through.

That’s when this feeling of guilt arises.

When they suggest that I no longer need medication, it makes me feel that they’re just tired of having to deal with my bipolarity. They want to believe that this is something that will go away because they don’t want to have to deal with it for the rest of their lives… At least that’s how I feel and I can’t help that.

I guess this is where that feeling of isolation comes from.

I don’t feel isolated at the moment. I actually feel like I’m part of something… At least I think I do.

But this is always in the back of my mind, eating away at me.

Guilt seems to be a common theme here, isn’t it?

So what do I do? Should I talk to a friend about it? I want to but at the same time I feel like they would think I’m just being paranoid. And maybe I am. Who knows?

For now I think I’ll just go to sleep.

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3 thoughts on “Underlying Resentment

  1. I just started following you a couple weeks ago and I really want to commend you for sharing your story. I’ve only read a couple of your posts, but you are so open and honest. I feel like I know you even though I just discovered your blog not too long ago. My heart goes out to you. I don’t know what it’s like and I can’t even imagine it. One of my friends also battles with a mental illness and in the time that I’ve known her, I have really gained more sensitivity to the plight of those who struggle with this daily. You are all strong people and I’m humbled by your perseverance. Please continue to share your story – it has truly touched/inspired me as I’m sure it has for many others. And if no one else is, please know that I’m definitely rooting for you! Wishing you all the best in 2015. 🙂 ❤

    1. Thank you so much. Your comment means a lot to me! I don’t get much feedback so it’s really lovely. It’s strange that it’s easier for me to write about all these things for a bunch of strangers I know rather than talking about it with close friends.
      I know that there are others who have/are going through similar matters so I like to share my experiences and hope that it helps a little, or even just to remind them they’re not alone.
      And thank you again for reading my blog! I wish you all the best as well.

      Cheers!

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