Depression makes you numb from the world. It fools you into thinking that apathy is the best form of self-defense.
And sometimes, I miss that feeling.
Sometimes I feel like it actually would be better to feel nothing rather than everything. I know that’s not what I really want in life. I want to feel joy and love and amusement, but those are inevitably coupled with pain, anger, and fear. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel worth it.
Emotions are a hassle that we constantly have to deal with… unless you’re a sociopath, I guess, but it’s quite clear that I am not. I mean, I cry over shelter dogs getting adopted and soldiers coming home and surprising their children. There’s a compilation of that on YouTube and I bawl every time. Don’t tell anyone.
I could say that I wish I didn’t have all the negative emotions, but then that would take away the pleasure of the positive emotions, right?
So I guess we’re all kind of stuck with them.
Okay, I don’t really wish I was void of all emotion. I do, however, wish that I didn’t feel them to such an extreme. No one really knows this about me, probably because I pretend it isn’t true, but little things that people do and/or say affect me quite a lot… too much, really. And they’re such small, insignificant things that you wouldn’t even think twice about like forgetting to reply to my message. I always make progress with this but the moment someone kicks me while I’m down, I revert back to the beginning.
On the brighter side, I tend to enjoy the little things: receiving a message asking how I’m doing or having my name remembered by someone. Those kind of little things. I don’t think anyone, even my friends, know just how much I appreciate those gestures but I do. I treasure them because they’re rare for me.
I don’t think anyone knows just how fragile I actually am.
That’s no one’s fault but my own. I put up a facade of invincibility for self-preservation. But actually being able to feel our own emotions makes us stronger; it just doesn’t feel that way when we’re going through it. In fact, we feel weaker for succumbing to the negativity.
That’s when we wish we never felt anything at all.
At least that’s what I wish right now.
I feel so many different things at the same time that I can’t even pinpoint an emotion. There just bouncing back and forth in my head and I can’t get them to stop. And so, I wish I felt nothing at all.
At least right now.