Well, long time no see!
I decided to mix things up a bit and bring some bagels. Can you believe I can never find pre-cut bagels anywhere here in Edinburgh? Yeah, yeah, I’m too lazy to cut my own bagel. I have heard much too many bagel cutting related accidents from my friends, okay?!
So, none of that.
Anyway, have one. I love the one with cranberries.
So how’ve you been lately? I’m exhausted actually. I feel like I haven’t done much but I’m physically and mentally exhausted right now.
This is going to sound so horrible but… I’m actually hoping for some kind of manic episode. Well, maybe hypomanic. I know, I know. It’s terrible! My last manic episode was sometime in 2013 I think and that… that was terrible. And yet now I’m wishing I had another one?
No, but… yes?
It’s just… at least when I’m manic I have the energy and motivation and confidence to pursue things, albeit pretty insane things. I don’t need to remind you about the whole quantum physicist delusion, right? I’m sure you remember that as clearly as I do… Actually, those memories are fuzzy to me, so maybe you remember a lot better than I do.
Yeah, it’s a terrible thought.
Maybe I just need a break, despite the fact that I returned from holiday just a few weeks ago. But since the beginning of last week I’ve been searching for flight tickets back to California. They’re relatively cheap so I’m actually highly considering going back. What do you think?
I love it here; I really do. I think I’ve found my place in this university and I feel… comfortable. I just feel a little homesick right now because I didn’t get enough time during the holidays. I’ve actually googled “how to get over homesickness” and none of the suggestion have been helpful, maybe because I just assumed beforehand that they wouldn’t work and that just ruined my expectations for it.
I’m supposed to be keeping busy. And I do. I do the massive amounts of work that I have and I socialize with my friends here, but if I have a moment of peace I will think about going back home. How do you get over this? Or at least… how do you alleviate it? I doubt one really “gets over” being homesick…
Okay, I’ll stop talking about this so I can stop thinking about it.
What else did I want to discuss with you?
As you know, I’m not the best when it comes to relationships… and by that I mostly mean friendships but I’ll keep it general for you. I tend to be… overly sacrificing when it comes to new relationships because I still have that pesky feeling that I have to be a self-sacrificer to get the other person to even like me. Yes, I know I’ve been working on that; the progress has just been ridiculously slow… if at all present.
You have some pretty healthy relationships; what’s your secret?
I also hate admitting this but I think the majority of the dysfunctionality in my relationships can be blamed on myself. No, no, you don’t have to be nice and disagree. I know it’s true. I’m jealous… I’m a jealous friend. Don’t act like you haven’t noticed!
I get… paranoid when a close friend of mine is becoming close friends with someone else. It’s like when you were in first grade or something and someone calls your best friend her best friend. That just wasn’t acceptable.
Well, okay, it’s really not to that extent. It just hurts me whenever I feel a relationship slipping away. I try so hard to cultivate and maintain them that it feels almost like a failure if they don’t work out, even if it is a two-way street and it may not be my fault.
Really. It’s just my own insecurity. I know the feeling evoked by watching someone leave… and I guess it’s something I hope to never feel again, which is obviously an unrealistic expectation. But I’m also full of those so that’s not much of a surprise either.
So… what you’re getting at is that my abandonment issues make me insecure and needy, which is why I feel the need to sacrifice my own pleasures for the sake of other people and their approval.
That, uh, sounds pretty accurate.
That also sounds like I have a lot of issues but… well, there really is no finishing that sentence right now.
I must sound like a crazy person by now.
Please say something before I start talking again.