Paranoia With a Side of Pancakes

Song of the Day: Love So Right by the Bee Gees

I’ve been in a Bee Gees kind of mood today so there you go. Their harmonies are just… they’re perfect. And Barry’s falsetto? Don’t get me started.

That’s not what I’m writing about… today.

I’m not writing about pancakes either. I just wanted it in the title because, as you know, I love my alliterations… with a side of pancakes.

My psychiatrist cut my risperidone dosage in half a little while ago and I think it’s taking a toll on me. There’s this constant sense of panic inside of me that’s looking for any sort of excuse to manifest. So I haven’t really been able to sleep because my brain is constantly working through every little detail of my life, searching for something to worry about.

I would lie in bed for hours fearing everything from forgetting to finish an assignment to a car crashing through my bedroom wall. Then somehow I would manage to convince myself that my friends here are trying to push me out of their lives or that everyone is constantly talking about how crazy I am. Anything and everything would spiral to the fear that I’ll end up alone and living the last of my days – or even years! – in the institution.

The only time I don’t worry is when I’m doing some kind of work such as doing difficult math problems or programming. Writing helps as well. I wrote several pages of notes about epistemology, which is one of the topics we’re covering in my philosophy class.

Oh yeah.

I have a philosophy class. How’d that happen? I’m not too sure but I know I can’t really be bothered to think about it.

But I love it. There’s a lot of information that I missed the past four weeks I wasn’t enrolled in the class but at the same time I feel like I could go through it in the next few hours and still make it to my 10AM math class. It’s currently 4:30AM here if you’re wondering… Sounds plausible.

I don’t know!

I just have to constantly be doing something so that my brain doesn’t go into panic mode about every little thing because I’m tired and I just want to press the “emergency stop” button on my thoughts so I can have some peace and quiet.


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