Song of the Day: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd
I’ve been struggling with some kind of intrapersonal crisis lately.
I feel like there are so many different voices in my head and it’s making me think that I’m crazy. By voices, I don’t actually mean… voices. They’re more like conflicting thoughts… that happen to be vocalized… but only in my head.
I’m straddling the line between mania and depression right now, every once in a while tipping over to one side, and it’s just too much. My mind is in this constant whirlwind of thoughts and more than anything I just want silence. I want absolute silence.
But every time I close my eyes, I have this constant flow of thoughts, most of them probably irrational. And then I just feel about five different things at once. Does that make any sense at all? When you feel several things at once? I feel happy and sad and guilty and nervous and excited and… everything else in between. I can pull up a list of adjectives from the Internet and pick about ten of them to describe how I feel this very moment. Well, some will be synonyms I guess.
I don’t… quite remember when the last time I took my medication was… I think it was last week. But I had taken double the dosage and I couldn’t function very well. The entire world was spinning and I just went to sleep. I may have taken some over the weekend. It may or may not have been with alcohol.
I feel like I’m in this strange spiral now… that I’m disconnected from the rest of the world, even myself.
I want to reach out to my friends, but I feel a sense of guilt even thinking about asking them for help. Most of them shower me with praise about how “well” I’m doing and I’m so terrified that they’ll feel a sense of disappointment if I tell them that I’m not okay at the moment… that I’ve been putting on this act to make everyone think otherwise. But I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it up.
I don’t truly know what’s going on anymore.
This perpetual fight is wearing me down at the moment.
I need… help, I guess.