Like a Daydream

Yes, I am still alive… just busy with exams and everything. Who knew university was so much work, huh?

I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve last written that I’m not quite sure where to start with what’s happened the past month and a half – almost two actually. I don’t even remember what I wrote about last time. I think it was about me feeling a bit homesick and depressed, but worry not; I’m alright now.

In fact, I realized the other day that I’m actually pretty happy. I mean the normal kind of happiness. I don’t feel like I’m on the edge of mania, but simply content. I’m almost sure this is how a regular level of happiness feels. It’s a strange feeling because I’m always so volatile and on either end of the mood spectrum but now… I’m just more or less in the center of that.

I’m anxious about my exams, my finances, my personal relationships, and several other aspects of my life but overall, I’m fine, which is something I think I rarely say.

I think I had a split second epiphany where I suddenly just accepted my circumstances. I know, I know, I’ve said said something like that but I mean it more now than I did before. It’s just… for the longest time I held on to every single one of my irrational fears and thought too much about what’s happened in my life, viewing the latter as some kind of shameful experience. But it’s so far from that.

When I share what I like to call the “Breakdown of 2012/13” with others, I feel like I sound a bit… insane to be honest, but those are the years that changed me… the years that turned my life around. I still consider them the worst years of my life, but ones I wouldn’t change. It took a lot of strength and resilience to get through those years and I’m proud of myself for succeeding in finding those in me.

Things such as failure and rejection don’t affect me as much as it did before. It’s not that I’ve numbed myself to them; I still get a bit upset. But then I tell myself that I’ve been through much worse and thus, can get through it.

Aren’t you proud of me?

I hope so.

I think that’s the main thing I needed to talk about… My brain’s a bit all over the place because I’m not running on much sleep due to constant revision… or procrastination.

By the way, that photo is from Richmond. It’s a part of London that I actually really like. I don’t know if you remember but I was not shy about admitting my distaste for that city. Richmond is quieter and more scenic. I was there for a hackathon – yes, another one. I’ve gone to four now… not that I have much to show for it. But that’ll be a story for a different day. Maybe.

Happy Monday!

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5 thoughts on “Like a Daydream

      1. How did it go? There may be a physiological connection to going through exams…the build-up of stress, endorphins in the body that manage stress, and relaxation upon completion of the stress-inducing exam, with the higher level of endorphins actually making you feel good. Just a thought.

      2. Well, my philosophy exam went… alright. I had a mini anxiety attack right before and so I almost didn’t go in. Actually I kind of left about two or three times before the exam started. haha. And then returned.

        I think the exams are actually making my anxiety a lot worse because I’ve been having on and off anxiety this entire day but in general, I feel alright.

        Cheers!

  1. Hmmm…anxiety. It was in “After Earth” that the character played by Will Smith said: “Danger is real. Fear is a choice.” Likewise, future events can take any possible natural course. Worrying about such possibilities may be…a choice? Or a habit, of flights of enhanced imagination, to be shed, gradually? Just thoughts from a lifelong student of philosophy. 🙂

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