Hello! It really has been quite a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry I pretty much disappeared for the entirety of May. I was so busy with revision, exams, moving, and flying back to Los Angeles. So, I hope you forgive me for all of that.
How has it been for you then?
As usual, I guess.
Besides the five final exams I had, one of which made me physically ill, I’ve been great. As I said, I’m back in California. It was a bittersweet goodbye to everyone in Edinburgh. I was excited to see my high school friends – okay, a small handful of them that I consider some of my best friends – but at the same time, I was so heartbroken to leave the people I’ve gotten so close to the past year.
I’ve been back for a little more than a week and it feels like I haven’t seen them in ages. You know what I mean, right?
On the bright side, I was finally able to see one of my best friends after six months of being apart. She’s the one in the photo above, ie the bacon to my bacon. She’s one of those people I can spend hours talking to; the kind of person who I can be in the same room with without a single word. It was difficult saying goodbye to her again but I’m glad I’ll be seeing her in a few weeks for my 22nd birthday.
Yes, yes, 22. I’m sorry but I’ll be singing that Taylor Swift song the entire day. I already have that night planned, but I’ll tell you all about that another time. I wish you could join me.
Can I ask you something a bit out of topic?
Do you think I could ever be in a healthy relationship? Well… do you think someone could be happy in a relationship with me?
Everytime I come to believe so, something convinces me that it’s not possible. However, I don’t doubt that people diagnosed with bipolar disorder have found someone who understands the volatile moods that affect them, ahem, us… So I don’t know why I’m always so pessimistic about my own life. I guess it’s just hard to believe that someone would actually voluntarily put up with me.
Or maybe I’m just scared… scared that I’ll find someone who won’t run away at the first sign of my madness. I’m not sure why I find that so terrifying but I do.
I guess it’s because I’ve lived most of my life sincerely believing that I was unlovable.
No, no, I don’t really believe that anymore. I’ve come a long way since what I like to call the “Breakdown of 2013.” Is that what I call it? I don’t quite remember… much like I don’t remember most of that terrible year.
You’re probably right… I’m just overthinking everything. Ha, what’s new, right?
Anyway, I’m sure you’re curious about my current mental state. I’m still mostly stable. I had a few days when I felt completely overwhelmed, which then ended in me crying in a Starbucks bathroom about absolutely nothing. Then I went back to my room and cried until I ran myself dry. That took about two hours.
You probably don’t believe me when I say that I’m completely fine, but I really am. I think I just needed that moment because the next day, I was fine. I mean… I am fine.