Okay, I’ve been gone for quite a while but rest assured I’m alright. Well… I’m decently well.
That doesn’t sound too convincing, does it?
For the past few days – weeks actually – I kept thinking about this little thing called “happiness”. I came to a realisation that it absolutely terrifies me. I mean, it’s somewhat of a foreign concept to me and so it’s the fear of the unknown. It’s uncharted territory and I’m just so scared.
It seems a little irrational; I know. We all pursue our own definition of happiness, and yet I can’t stop searching for problems that exist only in my head. At this point you probably want to smack some sense into me. Oh don’t worry; I feel the exact same way. But I bruise easily and I’m superficial enough to care at least a little bit about my complexion. So that’s out of the question.
I guess I still believe that things are going so well – maybe too well – for me that soon enough everything will come crashing down.
That’s the usual pattern in my life, isn’t it?
It’s the highs and then the lows, it’s me perpetually fighting to stay in the middle, and it’s me constantly losing that battle. I have no doubts that I’m in a much better place than I was before because of all those losses, but it’s still disheartening.
Every time these kinds of thoughts cross my mind, I feel a sense of guilt and I have absolutely no idea how to keep myself from those feelings. I know there are countless people who care about me and want nothing more than to help me, but I just can’t help feeling like a complete burden… something you’ve heard me say countless times. I’m somewhat like a broken record I guess.
It just gets tiring, doesn’t it? Having to constantly deal with the same cycle of problems…
And it’s these thoughts that make me overthink everything. It’s these thoughts that fuels my fear of my current state of happiness.
I want more than anything to let go of this fear that I have for something that I’ve been pursuing for years because I’m so happy with where I am right now but at the same time that fear eats away at me.
Do all good things really have to come to an end at some point?
They don’t have to, right?