I have 93 posts in my draft folder, and I hope this one won’t make 94.
Sometime during the process of my writings, I just stop. I get scared of where my mind is going just because I know how dark it can get in there. However, I decided to read through some of my drafts and publish here what I couldn’t back then.
10 May 2016, On Edge
For the past few months, I’ve been on the verge of a breakdown. There’s been several close calls but… that’s it… they were close calls. Meaning that for me, it could’ve been a lot worse.
8 March 2016, Mental Health vs. University: The Neverending Battle
I hate admitting it, but I do end up stopping my medication temporarily just so I can make use of the hypomania that’s forced to lie dormant under my antipsychotics and mood stabilisers. It’s that hypomanic state that I need to give me the energy and motivation to meet deadlines and pass exams, but it’s also that same hypomanic state that leads to mania, making me paranoid and irrational. It’s the state that could put me in the hospital.
Rationally thinking, I would much rather end up having to retake an exam than having to spend a countless amount of time in the ICU again. The latter is much worse, right? But another part of me doesn’t mind spending a bit of time in the hospital in order to pass a class, and because of that irrationality plaguing my mind, I can’t process the long-term consequences of not taking my medication despite already knowing them.
5 Dec 2015, A Touch of Madness
Throughout much of September and October, and for about half of November, I was severely depressed. It peaked just a few weeks ago, when I took too much of my medication. I’m going to brush past that, but I’m alright. Really, I am.
That’s how the cycle works.
I become depressed, I do something completely irrational, I pick myself up, I become manic, I do something irrational, and then I fall back down.
That’s how it’s always been.
5 Sep 2015, Once Every Week or Two
Every day is a struggle for me. Maybe I shouldn’t say every day… most days I guess. I’ve mentioned before that I have to fight a daily battle and although I have an amazing support system, I fight some battles by myself. They’re the intrapersonal kind of battles, if that makes any sense, so it’s difficult for anyone to help me.
I guess I shouldn’t jump to those kinds of conclusions.
I think I’m trying to get myself to believe all of that because when my miniature emotional breakdown does happen, I don’t want anyone to see me. It’s partly because it’s a moment of vulnerability and partly because I feel completely irrational. I know I shouldn’t but I feel like an idiot crying about… I don’t even know what. Keeping myself together is so much work and I get overwhelmed with everything.
31 August 2015, I’m Not Sorry
Most of the time I apologise for things that I can’t help: for being too depressed to leave my room, for being too anxious to go to parties, for being an introvert who would rather stay home… basically for being who I am.
And I’m sick of it. I didn’t choose to be the person I currently am – to suffer from bipolar disorder and anxiety, and I’m tired of apologising for it.
26 Oct 2014, Scars and Stories
And to be honest I’m still terrified of what people will think of me. I can’t handle the possible isolation and judgement, no matter how much I say I can. I’ve mentioned multiple times that anyone who makes me feel the least bit bad about myself doesn’t deserve to be in my life. Yet… the feeling is there.
Being the cynic that I am, I can’t help but wonder whether or not the people who ask me about my life story actually care or are just simply curious.