More often than not, I feel like I have to choose between my mental health and my university grades. Of course the latter isn’t as important, but that rarely stops me from making it my main priority.
I hate admitting it, but I do end up stopping my medication temporarily just so I can make use of the hypomania that’s forced to lie dormant under my antipsychotics and mood stabilisers. It’s that hypomanic state that I need to give me the energy and motivation to meet deadlines, pass exams, and think creatively… but it’s also that same hypomanic state that leads to mania, making me paranoid, irrational and a danger to myself. It’s the state that could put me in the hospital.
Rationally thinking, I would much rather end up failing a class and having to retake an exam than having to spend a countless amount of time in the ICU again. The latter is much worse, right? But another part of me doesn’t mind spending a bit of time in the hospital in order to pass a class, and because of that irrationality plaguing my mind, I can’t process the long-term consequences of not taking my medication despite already knowing them.
I hate thinking that I have to choose one, but I haven’t been able to find a way to have both.
I feel like I’m going crazy.
I’m having trouble keeping it all together because I just don’t know what to do.