I’m afraid to sleep because of what haunts me.
Hello. Come in. Sit, sit. Long time, no speak.
I guess I do tend to say that a lot. But it’s been an incredibly busy semester for me. Third year is no walk in the park – the kind with actual grass and singing birds – and I have found it quite difficult to keep myself together. The amount of work I’ve had to do was almost too much and it was as if the deadlines never ended. Now that they have, I’m still forced to study for five exams within the next month.
I’m afraid that I may lose too much sleep and trigger some kind of (hypo)manic episode. I’m not built to be like the people who can manage to function on three hours of sleep a night. You know how I get when I drink energy drinks.
Speaking of which, I saw a poster advertising drinking Redbull is key to getting a first – which is a mark of 70 or over. I absolutely hate that ad because it just promotes unhealthy habits and implies that in order to get high marks, you have to one of those three-hours-of-sleep-a-night people.
My boyfriend always talks me out of drinking energy drinks because, well, they usually trigger pretty severe panic attacks. I believe it’s the mixture of high amounts of caffeine and my daily cocktail of medication. That sounds logical, right? I mean, my psychiatrist does tell me to lay off the caffeine, or at least have low amounts of it at a time.
Oh no. Get ready for the rant.
It’s difficult to survive as a student without caffeine… As a computer science student, I’m constantly bogged down with coursework, which usually involves some sort of programming. I don’t start courseworks late; I give myself an adequate amount of time to complete them. But if there are four deadlines within 10 days of each other, it’s quite difficult. What’s worse is that I don’t control when an episode manifests that prevents me from working. So my coursework marks are a pretty accurate representation of my moods, ranging from 0 to 100.
I constantly berate myself for the low marks because I feel like I had somehow triggered the episode. Yes, I know it’s not my fault… But I can still blame myself for always choosing my grades over my mental health. I can admit to allowing my mental health to deteriorate this semester for the purposes of completing my coursework. The amount of times I seriously considered ending it all had increased this semester because my instability makes me feel incompetent, useless, helpless, hopeless…
And I doubt that’s going to change anytime soon… Do you?
I don’t really know what to do. I keep getting stuck in a state of self-doubt and then I just feel lost. Sometimes I think about giving this all up and going home but what’s the point in that? I can’t escape this kind of lifestyle – constantly battling my own psyche.
Could it be this misery will suffice?